In the past I took comfort in the saying or idea that “When things fall apart, maybe it’s because something better is supposed to take it’s place”. I always thought that when things went bad I could wait and soon find something better waiting for me. The problem is it’s not waiting for you. You have to find it. And the tragedy is that most don’t. They sit on the same merry-go-round I’m on right now trying new ideas over and over again only to have them topple in front of you. Or you don’t keep trying if you’re discouraged enough. Maybe things fall apart on us because they’re not good enough, but there’s no guarantee anything better actually exists or that we won’t waste our lives trying to find it.
To me, wisdom is the learning of all the little things only life can teach us. You can’t teach wisdom to another person. You can try, but if an idea is wise it won’t be able to be understood unless it is experienced. Often, it must be experienced time and time again for the lesson to be understood and stick. It is beautiful growth if we are able to adapt, but tragic if we do not understand the guidance.
“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” — Pema Chodron
A little part of me always expects that one day my eyes will befall someone who I instantly and unarguably understand. With just a look I’d suddenly be overtaken in a sort of ultimate empathy in which I momentarily adopt their complete consciousness. I want their happiness, sadness, joys, concerns, motivations, etc. as though they were my own and their life was my life. I crave an understanding of someone this deep that can never be communicated with words; that transcends physicality as all consciousness does.
I can’t deny a part of me wishes that one day someone’s eyes will befall me and I too will be seen as I wish to see in another. In many ways I think that would feel like an existential accomplishment; simply being seen for who I am. Its quite absurd to dream that one day I’ll be approached by a person I’ve never met and have them tell me they know me. And yet, that is the only way I would know.
I’ve become even more of a cinephile lately and I thought it wise to make a list of my favorite movies for archival purposes. I like a lot more movies than this but these are the cream of the crop. I’ll be updating this as I discover new favorites!
If you had asked me five years ago who I was, what I thought my life would be, and how I would do it I probably would have had an answer better than almost anyone else my age you could have asked. In that time my concerns were few. I was worried about my social situation and my simple grades that I only had to worry about simply taking the time to do. In the past year a lot has changed for me. More than ever I feel an unstoppable force of reckoning to determine what I am, who I am, and what I wish to be. The certainties I once held are gone and replaced by the anxieties of amounting to something I can be proud of. More than anything I crave with every fiber of my being a sense of self actualization. I want to wake up in the morning and not instantly be reminded of the problems in my life because they either don’t exist or I have a ready method to fix them. What I want is to feel a sense of absolute clarity. I simply wish for the freedom to do whatever I wish and it seems that is only available through stability (something that my life seems to lose a little more of all the time). I need to regain this sense of stability I felt living under my parents and I don’t feel I’ll at least be able to wake up happily every day until that happens.
Unfortunately, however, it seems that this will be something I’ll spend quite a while waiting for now as I won’t be making enough money to live this lifestyle (at least until I complete college). Right now I need to pick a method that is going to allow me to get there. Namely, a career. The issue is that I want to be paid to do something I love. Unfortunately many others have that dream just as I do and it makes for heated competition. Truthfully though, there are a lot of things I love about life and probably if I set forth in any one direction I’ll probably make it there somehow. The problem is I’m afraid to commit and decide on one and to make it worse I’m afraid if I choose one and then change my mind I’ll end up with nothing. Its kind of like when there are multiple lines to wait in so you pick one but then the other one goes faster so you switch to it and as soon as you do the line you moved from moves ahead. If this keeps happening you’ll never get anywhere. Luckily however, most people eventually get to the front, right? Sooner or later. The next real issue is that the longer it takes the worse of you are for a lot of reasons.